It’s not what you say, it’s the energy you say it with!
You may have tried to express how you feel in your relationship and ended up feeling shut down or misunderstood.
Emotional expression is crucial and it is very important to make space for this kind of communication.
However, emotional expression that carries a charge to it will more often than not trigger your partner.
How you express your feelings; your tone, timing, and the energetic charge behind your words, matter far more.
Too many people share their feelings while subtly holding their partner responsible. They don't even realise they are doing it. The energetic weight gets picked up immediately, with the fall out being defensiveness, criticism or judgment in return.
Yes, you might be feeling sad, resentful or hurt in your relationship for all kinds of valid reasons. Maybe these feelings have been building up over time and it has come to a tipping point? You are trying to tell your partner what is really going on and you know that it's important to be vulnerable. However, if you are not feeling heard and you seem to be inviting a reaction from your partner that you do not like, it is essential that you take a closer look at how you are expressing yourself.
Your feelings are valid, but ultimately you are always responsible for what you do with them. Your partner may have triggered something in you, and I would want them to take responsibility for that. However, they are not wholly responsible for your feelings. Saying things like 'you are making me feel angry' is an example of holding your partner responsible on an energetic level. Your words will generally be loaded when you speak in this way and it will generally attract a reaction back that you don't like.
Expressing emotion in a way that invites connection, on the other hand, takes nuance and precision. It requires taking full responsibility for the part you are playing in the dynamic; otherwise you are rendering yourself a victim and essentially saying; 'until you change or do xyz, I am going to left feeling like this...and it's your fault!'
Can you see how narcissistic this sounds? It’s ironic that in a culture where so many people are calling out narcissism in their partners, they often have no idea that their own behaviour may be a subtle expression of it.
It is never all on one person.
It is not a magnetic, attractive energy and will certainly not help you create or inspire the change you want to experience. It will actually serve to repel it.
But here is where you have a great opportunity because in actual fact you have far more power than you realise. You have the power to ignite change. Not in a situation where there is abuse but where your partner is a decent person and you have similar values and a compatible outlook on life.
Nuance is the name of the game and it is a game I help my clients master.
I work with high-achieving individuals and couples who are brilliant in their work, but who often find themselves stuck in patterns of disconnection at home.
What we uncover together is that the same precision they bring to business is often missing in their relationship communication.
Energetic precision, the ability to communicate with clarity, humility, and sovereignty, without leaking blame or unconscious expectation, is a game-changer.
When you speak from that place, your words are clean. You invite connection, not reactivity. You are met more deeply because you are leading from inner integrity, not unprocessed charge.
It is doesn't even matter that you get it wrong at times, because when you know how to put it right, with the help of a healthy repair conversation, you know exactly when needs to be done. Most importantly, you do not let the discomfort of having these types of conversations get in the way.
This is transformational work and if you are ready to explore what that could look like for you, I invite you to book a call with me. You can book a call here.
