Dark love and Sex | Michele Willmott

Dark love and Sex

Have you ever heard of the term Dark Love?

I want to share it with you because it has changed my life & my marriage, especially the physical intimacy in my relationship.

I try to live my life according to the principles of the Dark because it represents the most freeing & liberating way for me to live.
Let me explain the difference between the Dark & the Light because you may be thinking 'how can the dark be a good thing, it sounds depressing & scary!'

Most people live their lives according to what is known as the Light Grid.

When we are in living according to the Light grid we are generally trying to achieve one goal after the other or we are aiming to create success in a way we think is the right way of doing things.

Unfortunately many of these goals end up being set according to idealistic rules & only serve to create time pressure & stress.

There is often a sense of chasing
& this usually ends up with us feeling dissatisfied & unfulfilled, because we never get there. If we get what we want, we are onto the next thing so quickly we often forget to take time to enjoy our achievements.

When you live according to the Light grid there can be a lot of shadow & self sabotage because often you end up compromising yourself & your most important values about HOW you truly want to live your life.

This is why people who earn a lot of money are often reported saying that it didn't make them any happier!

Just think of all those times when you expect a man or your partner to be perfect or you have certain idealistic notions about love. It often ends up in disappointment, frustration & conflict.
Light & shadow often go together.

The Dark Grid on the other hand is all about acting in alignment & with full integrity with HOW you really want to do things (often we don't stop to think about this because we are so caught up in doing what we think will make us happy or what we 'should' be doing to create love & success).

The Dark involves letting love & life unfold from moment to moment without our shadow selves making the decisions. It involves trusting ourselves to take actions based on our most important values.

It is not necessarily an easier way to live because it can bring up our fear of not being able to control things & of the unknown. We have not been taught to trust ourselves fully & our shadow selves will kick up a fuss when we start acting in ways that don't seem to make sense to them.

However, the benefits of living this way FAR outweigh the cons for me, especially when it comes to sex & physical intimacy.

Dark sex is something that ALL women deserve to experience. It is orgasmic in so many ways I would never have imagined (think head & face orgasms & extended orgasms). It is deeply, deeply loving & erotic. 
The best thing is there is no agenda apart from a shared sense of emotional connection & presence. 

Sex on the Light Grid is often not that satisfying for many women because orgasm is usually the agenda. Many women thus feels they have to force or push physically to try & make this happen & end up feeling dissatisfied or too tired to even bother. They feel a failure if they don't achieve an orgasm & many men end up feeling they are inadequate or they end up being selfish & just looking after their own desire for release.
For long-term relationships this can spell trouble & this is exactly why so many couples end up like room mates.

If you would like to learn more about living according to Dark principles my online course Deeply Loved (still available at 1/2 price when you buy my Feminine Communication Guide on the link) is designed with this in mind.
At the core of this course are teachings, tools & techniques that will help you trust yourself like never before. Trust is fundamental to the Dark because it involves living in a way that tends to go against the grain.

If you are not sure this is for you, ask yourself this question:

'Would I prefer to live in full integrity with who I want to be & how I want to do things or live in a way where I set goals & always move towards achieving them?'

There is no right or wrong here. You may be someone who gets inspired by the achievements of others & likes setting goals. Dark living & love are not based on goals they are based on trusting the present moment & ourselves to create in the way we want...there is less emphasis on & attachment to the specific outcome.

Having a 'Dark Love' relationship simply means that you are willing to go into the unknown on a daily, moment by moment basis & let your relationship journey unfold.

This takes a lot of self trust & being open to the discomfort of not knowing what is going to happen next.

It doesn't mean you don't plan things but you plan far less because you are making decisions based on your intuition in the moment (which may involve booking a holiday for example...but this will happen quickly as opposed to trawling over the internet trying to find the right hotel & right experience for hours).

It also requires letting go of what your partner is or isn't doing. This doesn't mean putting up with abusive or disrespectful behaviour. It just means trusting that your partner is naturally resourceful & creative & can therefore access his own decision making proesses & aliveness. He also has the right to do what he wants when he wants because we are not entitled to control anyone in terms of what they are doing in any given moment.

Notice what your shadows are saying here.

They may be arguing...

  • 'but what about his responsibilities as a father?'
  • 'what about if he just thinks about himself & never considers me?'
  • 'what about if he lets himself go & I could have encouraged him to look after himself?'
  • 'he's already selfish, he would become more selfish'

These are all relevant points and of course if you were to put up with someone who does not meet your standards over & over again & you were being totally taken for granted then you would need to ask 'why am I in this relationship?'

However, when it comes to a Dark Love relationship a woman understands the POWER OF THE FEMININE.

You have the innate power to create the relationship you want.

You have the innate capacity to inspire him to be that man & when you do this he WILL WANT to devote himself to meeting you in your needs & desires.

And if he makes a mistake & does not consider you in a way that is respectful then you always have the opportunity to express your fears & concerns (just as I have laid out in my Feminine Communication Guide). You don't just put up with bad behaviour neither do you tell him off; manipulate him to change or try to train him.

You trust that when you show up as your full self & express yourself with true vulnerability (all within the frame of taking a stand for what you really want), then this will be enough for him to want to meet your needs & desires.

This may mean saying something like "I am feeling sad right now because of xyz & this brings up fears about me having to leave our relationship. What I would really appreciate is xyz."  You will also have to be patient & non-attached to when or even 'if' he is going to respond in the way you want.

Most men, unfortunately, do not know how to respond. They are missing information & could really do with finding out how to communicate & relate to you in a way that is a win win for both of you. This is why my Feminine Communication Guide is a must read.

When you are both aware of how men & women are meant to relate to each other in order to meet their different needs then you have the information necessary to transform your love life. Dark Love is a great way of creating a relationship that does meet the different needs of men & women. It is the best way I know of getting beyond conditioned & dysfunctional relationship behaviour that MOST people are stuck in.

It is not always an easy path to follow because:

  •  You do have to be willing to take a stand for what you want. 
  • You do need to have higher standards for your own behaviour.
  • You do have to be willing to show up in ways that feel uncomfortable for you.
  • You do have to open your heart more & let more things go.

However, bit by bit this is where the magic reveals itself. It gives you & your partner room & space to show up in your own unique ways. It creates greater trust & emotional connection as time goes on. Most relationships decline over time with couples being willing to settle for companionship or room mate status. They end up bickering & have a sense that something (a sense of being deeply loved) is always missing. 

At the end of the day relationships do not like being pressurised. They are meant to grow & evolve in an atmosphere of mutual trust & respect; honouring each individual's needs & desires as well as those of men & women. Many people relate to their love life like they do their business or their career, always trying to achieve something or get somewhere. We have been conditioned to achieve or to 'give up'. We have not been conditioned to trust & this is where the work must begin.

If you are a woman & know you would benefit from learning to trust yourself far more than you do right now in your love life I highly recommend either of my courses Deeply Loved or The New Paradigm For Love. If you would prefer getting 1 to 1 support & are interested in a radical transformation in just a few months you can book a call to discuss here.  

About the Author

Michele Willmott, Relationship Coach and Mentor. I help successful men, women and couples renew and transform their relationship for the long-term.