The above is a picture of my husband & I on our wedding day back in 2002.
It felt like the dream in so many ways. The day itself not only because the sun was shining but also because we had such a fun, loving experience with so many close friends & family members.
We had only been together for just over a year so it had been somewhat of a whirlwind. However we shared so many coincidences it was uncanny: we had both called off a wedding a year before we met; we had been to the same University (I had left before Matt began his studies); we both trained to be Physical education teachers & were mad about playing sports. The fact that we shared similar values, a mutual physical attraction & a desire to be the best versions of ourselves all helped in helping us feel we were making the ‘right’ decision.
After the honeymoon bubble
Now as we all know, the ‘honeymoon’ bubble soon bursts once real life takes over & the wedding euphoria dies down. Learning to live with someone else is not something we are fully prepared for. We are not taught how to communicate in a healthy manner at school or university. We are just expected to get on with it & we end up doing so based on what we have seen our parent’s do or according to society’s norms & expectations.
One thing that went in my favour was the fact that because I had already experienced the ‘near miss’ that came with the calling off of a wedding, I made a conscious decision to not make the same mistake again. I decided that I would rather be on my own than be in a relationship where I did not feel seen & heard.
I made a pact with myself to speak up & express my feelings instead of hiding & pretending that everything was ok. I certainly did not get this ‘right’ for many a year & on the face of it things would look quite messy. However, it did help to create & maintain a joyful connection for the most part.
Not satisfied with anything average or the thought of settling, I didn’t stop there. Much of my time was spent in the online coaching world. Here, the possibilities for creating MORE in one’s relationship could not be ignored. In fact all the information I consumed only served to reflect the desires I had been holding deep within me. Now, it was just a case of them coming to the surface.
A woman who claims her desires
.....In a world where women generally are not even aware that this is a 'thing', heaven forbid! Surely I was getting above my station, being ungrateful & I should just be happy with what I had & enjoy being in the moment!? No, I was damn sure going to claim those desires & do the work necessary to cut the cords of my conditioning. It was only one short life after all!
Our marriage, as a result, has been an ongoing journey of undoing those imprinted messages that make us believe all sorts of lies such as:
- our partner is responsible for our happiness.
- women need to control & cajole their partner in order to get her needs & desires met.
- it is not ok to show your messiness & imperfection.
- it is not ok as a woman to have standards or desires.
- it is not ok to speak your deepest fear.
We tend to know this on an intellectual level but our behaviour often still supports the idea that if our partner would somehow be different, then we would be so much more fulfilled. The truth is it's easier to sit and blame your partner & wait for them to step up than it is to take a good hard look at yourself.
I have of course, had many past moments when I would fall into such traps. There were times when I thought my husband wasn't capable of meeting me. There were times I made him wrong because I was projecting my own lack of power onto him.
Getting to extra-ordinary
I knew I wanted more, but I also knew that I loved him & definitely did not want to leave. I decided to step up & take a good hard look at myself. I committed to facing the parts of me that would do their utmost to keep me down & playing it safe.
I invested heavily in shadow work (again & again), learning to trust myself & my intuition like never before. I took bold action in line with my desires. I had to let go of trying to control & micro-manage our relationship (you think you are not controlling, think again!)
Our marriage died & was reborn on a number of occasions. We both faced our biggest fear - having to leave each other (& I don't mean just faced the thought, I mean actually going to the point where it was spoken & we thought we had no choice).
What has all this left us with?
- A 20 year relationship that just gets better & better, not a relationship where the flame dwindles over time.
- Fun from just being together not the type where you have to organise something to have some fun.
- A beautiful emotional freedom & connection.
- Hot, loving physical intimacy.
- And a totally exciting plan for the future that is being built as I type.
Beware of always doubting your partner
The fact that I questioned my husband at times & didn't think he was capable of meeting me proved to be a big lie. He has completely proved me wrong, stepping into his power like never before (totally hot by the way).
Life is too far short to settle. You have everything it takes to create extraordinary, but you cannot sit back & wait.
If you do you will suddenly start seeing other women around living the life that you wanted, all because you decided that you were not worthy of claiming your desires & you weren't willing to stop with the control.
When is it going to be, now or never?
If you would like to create a relationship that goes beyond normal and want to schedule a complimentary call with me to discuss your next steps you can Book a Time Here.