Unhappy in your relationship? | Michele Willmott

Unhappy in your relationship?

Are you unhappy in your relationship?

If so, you probably have a list of reasons to back this up.

Your partner doesn’t listen. They don’t attempt to hear you.
They interrupt, argue, always want to be right.
They may even shut down, withdraw for days.
When it comes to physical touch, even the little gestures have disappeared.

You are really starting to question whether you are compatible

Maybe you have grown apart and are too different now?
Perhaps there is someone else who is a better match?

However, the thought of leaving is terrifying, especially if you have children.

You don’t want to start again, there seems to be too many lonely single people.

And you still have love for your partner.
You have similar values about what’s important in life.
Maybe you are still attracted to each other.

What if you could turn things around?

Whilst we can never know how things are going to turn out ahead of time.
There is always a possibility that you can renew your connection.
You can even recreate a ‘new’ relationship with your partner.

Bearing in mind we have all been heavily conditioned to sabotage our relationships, if you can undo the sabotage patterns your relationship stands a chance of transforming itself in ways you would not believe possible right now.

One factor most people underestimate, that has a huge impact on the health of your relationship is...

...your ability to feel and be happy.

Now this may sound really cliched and almost too simple but hear me out. 

When you are able to create a sense of happiness within yourself on a consistent basis, you are generally a much easier, kinder and more fun person to be around.
Of course, it's not possible 24/7 because life can get in the way
However, when we make a conscious effort to help ourselves feel better more consistently, rather than thinking we have no power to change how we feel, then a lot can change.

Try this.....

Say to yourself "I give myself permission to be happy or joyful right here and now'. 
What do you notice?

Maybe you find it easy? But how often do you feel like this, would be my next question?
Maybe your mind is saying 'well I would be happier if my partner wasn't so avoidant (or something similar).

Feeling happy might not seem that easy given your current relationship situation.
If you feeling frustration, resentment, anger, loneliness, sadness or anxiety these are all valid.
It's okay to feel like this and important to acknowledge where you are right now.

However, it is also important to be able to see the opportunity or gift in these feelings.
When you know how to work with them in a truly healthy way, you become more adept at shifting your state of being rather than getting dragged down by your feelings.
By shifting your state of being to a higher feeling state you automatically become more 'attractive' and magnetic.
This helps you bring more of what you want into your life and relationship.

The truth about happiness...

We are conditioned to seek happiness outside of ourselves.
We often equate happiness with a beautiful landscape; going on holiday or being with friends.
Of course all of these things can help us feel alive and stimulated in some way.
However, life can be mundane. It can be stressful at times.
We can’t always be on holiday or with friends having fun.

Much of the time the feelings that go with these situations are short-lived.
We rarely know how to create happiness without an external influence.

Another unfortunate truth is that many of us were not encouraged to embrace feelings such as happiness and joy.
We grew up in families where parents didn’t know what to do with their difficult feelings.
When they were tired and struggling, their feelings of overwhelm would get projected onto you as a child.
It is likely you received messages that conveyed the idea that you were 'too much’ or 'not enough'.
As a result you ended up having to quash any exuberance or aliveness out of fear of upsetting someone.

It sounds counter-intuitive but sometimes it then became easier for you to feel sorry for yourself or feel anxious.
These feelings then became a coping mechanism to help you stay 'safe.'
Not a lot of room for happiness and joy!

The natural state of an emotionally healthy child is one of awe, wonder and aliveness.
This is a state that many of us adults have forgotten and only visit in fleeting moments.
No wonder our relationships become starved of love, fun and connection.

Fundamentally, people have lost a deep connection with their own true nature.

If you cannot connect on a deeper level with yourself you simply won't be able to create the connection you want with your partner. 

Thankfully your relationship with yourself is what holds the most potential for turning things around in your relationship.

This is not about creating acts of self love but more about developing a healthier relationship with the parts of you that have been cast out and disowned. 
The parts of you that other people frowned upon or made you feel were inappropriate.
Unfortunately we end up ignoring or berating these parts too and this is where our problems begin.

This is why I start off with individual sessions when I take on a new couple as clients.
It is crucial that you can become emotionally safer for all parts of yourself.
It is eye opening to find out how avoidant we actually are in relation to these parts of ourselves.
We frequently deny our own reality and this only serves to cause more problems.

The reason for this is that the parts of us that stay 'cast out' will keep trying to catch our attention.
They will do this time and time again until we sit up and listen.
This is why we keep getting stuck in perpetual cycles of conflict and avoidance with our partner.

Until we address this relationship with these parts of ourselves we will not be able to access our innate happiness and aliveness.
This is why so many people are not realising their inherent capacity to be magnetic in their relationship.

You absolutely have the capacity.
It just takes a willingness to look a bit deeper.
Commit to this as well as learning crucial new communication tools that take into account the differences between men and women, and you will have a totally new framework of relating.
This framework helps you to keep connecting with your partner rather than letting this stagnant and wither over time.

If you would like to discuss getting some in depth support for your situation please do feel free to email me at [email protected] or book a call here.

About the Author

Michele Willmott, Relationship Coach and Mentor. I help successful men, women and couples renew and transform their relationship for the long-term.