Respecting the differences between men and women | Michele Willmott

Respecting the differences between men and women

Men and women are generally very attuned to the dysfunctional energy in their relationship.
They usually know when something feels 'off' or unhealthy.
Unfortunately most are missing the information to help them navigate this in a way that creates consistent connection.

The behaviours that accompany such dysfunctional energy can show up in many different ways.
They highlight the instinctual differences between men and women.

There are two common examples that come up time and time again in my practice.

  1. When a woman is trying to control a man.

    Many men will pick up on the controlling type energy of their female partner.
    Even if her intention is not to control him, it will feel like control.
    It will feel like control because it is in many ways.
    It comes from the need to try and control her external environment due to a deeper fear or anxiety of not being met in her needs or desires.

    In response to this energy a man will generally get irritated.
    He may try to defend or justify himself. He will often want to be right.
    He may end up shutting down in the face of her relentless need to pursue a topic or get him to act differently.

    Many men want 'anything for an easy life' and cannot see why their partner seems to focus on what isn't working so much.
    Her criticism or nagging annoys him to the point he starts switching off because in his mind nothing he says or does seems to change things.

    The problems with this dynamic are:

    a) His shut down or switching off is a problem because it kills the attraction in the relationship.
    He comes across as unwilling to fight for the relationship.
    She doesn't feel heard or understood and as a result she doesn't feel safe with him energetically.

    b) Similarly, her control issues create disconnection. It is a turn off for him.
    He doesn't want to feel like he is in a relationship with his mother!

  2. When a man is being passive in the relationship.

    A woman will generally pick up on a the energy of her partner when he is being passive.
    She senses that things between them are becoming stagnant.
    She knows things can be better.
    She wants to enjoy being in a relationship that feels alive and connected.

    Even if he thinks he is doing his best she will often become over focused on what she sees as his lack of commitment in the relationship.
    In her eyes he may lack of proactivity, passion or the ability to understand her.
    She will be able to find evidence to support this and as a result she becomes resentful and annoyed.
    She will try to air her frustration in an attempt to get him to see what's missing in the relationship.

    This then fuels her subconscious need to try and control her environment.
    She thinks she is being clear in her communication.
    She is trying to express what she needs.
    However, it is not what she is saying it is the way she is saying it.
    The energy behind her words is distorted.

    When our energy is distorted we end up creating more of what we do not want.
    We create more disconnection when we are really wanting more connection.
    It is a sad and unfortunate state of affairs.

    Who is really at fault?

    This can seem like a chicken and egg situation.
    Each behaviour feeding the other until it becomes a perpetual cycle.

    The truth is that both parties are playing a role in the dysfunction.
    This is why it is never just one person's fault.

    However, in many ways there is an even bigger truth at play.

    We are all subjected to dysfunctional societal conditioning that contains subtle but powerful messages.
    These messages are very clever at creating disconnection between men and women.
    If men and women are disconnected they are far easier to control.

    The powers that be are the ones we should really be pointing our fingers at because they are responsible for keeping such messages alive and kicking.
    Having said that, in many ways, these individuals are also a victim of a framework that is dysfunctional at its very core.

    We are not taught that our negative feelings are an opportunity to actually help us feel better.
    It is not common knowledge that such feelings can help us create a relationship that is consistently connected and intimate.

    Instead we receive messages that the best way to deal with them is to go to a doctor and get an antidepressant.
    This might be necessary in the extreme, but for the large majority it is not 

    What is needed?

    Firstly, an overhaul in the general thinking regarding emotional and mental well-being.
    This would go a long way to addressing the relationship dysfunction that is so common in society.

    On an individual level:
    For a man

    A man needs to know and learn how to lead himself.
    He doesn't want to be 'led'.
    Instinctually he knows this doesn't feel right.
    He needs to show up in a way that help his partner to feel seen and heard.
    He needs to be able to integrate the parts of himself that have been repressed or cast out. 

    He also needs to understand how society is set up to benefit him (although he too is a victim of his conditioning) as opposed to his partner.
    When this happens when she will start to feel safer with him.
    This will have a big impact on the level of attraction and connection within the relationship.

    For a woman

    She needs to learn how to meet and prioritise her own needs.
    Women have historically always had to put the needs of others before her own.
    She also needs to learn how to communicate in a way that carries more weight energetically.
    There is a particular way of communicating that is just easier to 'hear.'

    She needs to be able to show her partner her heart, because a man needs to feel this. 

    When she comes at it with the energy of control it doesn't bode well.
    Being able to express what is really going on underneath any controlling behaviour will give her partner crucial feedback that he is missing.
    This is how she gets to create an environment where her needs and desires are met.

    For both parties
    Both men and women need to learn how to work with their feelings in such a way that creates a shift in their state.
    This way they both show up demonstrating that they can deal with their own baggage and triggers without needing to resort to holding the other person to ransom.

    Things to bear in mind

    Of course none of this is particularly easy given the years of dysfunction that many couples have under their belt.
    Going against our familiar patterns can feel scary.
    It is okay to feel apprehensive.
    This is just the parts of you that don't like change.

    On the other side of any fear however, a far greater love and connection is available to you.
    You have more capacity to create the kind of love you want than you realise.

    It does get to be far easier, more fun and harmonious. 
    It just takes some initial 'undoing' to set the wheels in motion.

    I absolutely back this work to help you create the changes you want to make.
    I have seen the massive impact it has on hundreds of couples.
    The new framework that you will put in place in your relationship will keep on giving over time.
    It will keep on giving you the opportunity to consistently grow together and maintain a loving connection.

    It is work that I thank myself for embarking on when nothing else seemed to be working in my own relationship.

    If you and your partner have created success in your work lives but cannot understand why such success eludes you in your relationship, I invite you to book a call with me to discuss your next steps. You can book your call here. 

About the Author

Michele Willmott, Relationship Coach and Mentor. I help successful men, women and couples renew and transform their relationship for the long-term.