Is resentment building in your relationship? | Michele Willmott

Is resentment building in your relationship?


If resentment is building between you and your partner either due to recurring conflict or avoidance of talking about the topics that need to be addressed then I encourage you to hold tight.

It does not have to mean the end of your relationship (you can see the situations that would signal that it is time to leave your relationship at the bottom of this article*).
Here are the two main reasons why so many long-term relationships struggle over time along:

  1. We are all conditioned to run from discomfort and not deal with it in a healthy way. People don't like it when they feel bad and they tend to look for something or someone to blame.  

The truth here is that life is uncomfortable at times. We will never get away from that. Obviously some situations are worse than others and there is nothing we can do but go through the grieving period or feeling of loss that comes with it. 

However, our negative feelings can help us in so many ways. There is a gift in them and therefore an opportunity. This could be a realisation that we need to change how we are speaking to our partner because we are not being very nice. Another opportunity could be to shift the way we feel in any given moment and help ourselves find a place of relief or peace. The possibilities are endless. 

When we relate to our discomfort as an opportunity we then put ourselves in a position of power in terms of being able to create transformation with our partner. We are no longer helpless or a victim of circumstance. 

You have far more power to ignite and create change than you have been led to believe. If you think about it, it really doesn't make much sense that you would need to wait for your partner to change. We are not meant to be that powerless in our lives.

        2. Our mind can tell us so many 'lies' and we can tend to believe them because there will be an element of truth in                 what we are thinking. 

We will be able to find evidence to support our thinking. The trouble is, our mind is only seeing things from a one dimensional, limited perspective. As a result we are not open to the infinite possibilities available to us for creating transformation in a way that actually works for us and our partner. 

Worse still your mind tends to trigger your body and its feelings, then you find yourself back at the point I made above: you feel uncomfortable and try to run from it or get rid of it in a way that doesn't serve you.

In order to change the dynamic between yourself and your partner it is therefore necessary to start to relate to yourself in a totally different way. This is not about trying to be positive all the time. The mind is too cunning and tricky for that kind of approach.

What we need to do is unpick the triggers that come up for you in your relationship. It is not glamorous work and it takes time and commitment to wanting to be a better person for yourself and your partner. However, you can learn to do this for yourself so that you have a tool to help you navigate the difficult times. The little things that used to bother you then stop bothering you so much. It doesn't even matter if you feel resentful at times because you know what to do with it. You understand what action needs to take place in order to ensure that the resentment doesn't come between you and your partner. 

The freedom that is unlocked when you start relating to your thoughts and feelings in a far healthier way serves to change your energy. Energy is King when it comes to love because you are either open to receiving and creating more of what you want in your relationship or you are in an energy that says 'love don't come near me. I'm not available'.

I like to describe this work as 'cunning meets cunning' to my clients. We cannot let our mind take away our power to create change. Instead we work with the mind so that it has no choice but to acquiesce because it cannot refute the real truth when it hears it.

The method that I have devised for my relationship coaching and mentoring is called 'The Profound Permission' Method™. This along with communication that takes into account essential differences between men and women, will help you fundamentally change the underlying framework of your relationship.

If you know that you still love your partner despite your difficulties then you absolutely have the capacity to create a big change in a matter of months. It will take ongoing work to ensure that your mind doesn't take over and take you back to your default ways of behaving. The good news is however, that even if you do default you will have the structures that I give you to keep coming back to. 

So, it doesn't matter if you feel resentful per se. It only matters what you do with your resentment.

*If you are needing clarity on whether to leave or stay in your relationship here are the main reasons why this would be a serious consideration:

  • You have a big clash of values with your partner. Something you feel is hugely important to you is being dishonoured in the relationship and your partner just sees this topic in a totally different way, to the extent you cannot come to a compromise. Examples here maybe health, living location, family issues. 
  • If there is an addiction problem and the person who is experiencing this issue will not seek support or help.
  • Abuse: any kind of mental, verbal, physical or sexual abuse would obviously be a big red flag.
  • If your partner continues to dismiss your feelings in a way that makes you start questioning yourself. It is important to note here that this can generally be remedied if someone is willing to take a closer look. It is also worth knowing that most people are not actually expressing their feelings in a healthy way.

If you would like to talk about receiving support for yourself and your partner (or just yourself) please get in touch. You can book a call with me via any of my coaching pages.

About the Author

Michele Willmott, Relationship Coach and Mentor. I help successful men, women and couples renew and transform their relationship for the long-term.