How to overcome the pain you feel in your relationship!

How to overcome the pain and hurt you feel in your relationship!

Relationship Coaching for women & couples

Would you love to move past the hurt & pain you experience in your relationship?
To receive the love, connection & intimacy that you yearn for but that often seems elusive?

There's no doubt about it, our romantic relationships can bring up a lot of pain for us. 
Our past wounds can get triggered & we find ourselves stuck in perpetual arguments that come round time & time again, without being able to move past them.

Knowing how to deal with perpetual arguments is a skill in itself, but first of all we need to know what to do with the pain we experience in relation to our partner.

Many people get so wrapped up in their story that they end up dwelling in the pain over & over. They become the victim & give their power away to that story thus rendering themselves helpless. In effect they become addicted to their own suffering & this obviously does not help to transform the pain in order to bring about the change they really want in their relationship.

Steps to overcoming the hurt & pain

1. Try to become aware of when you get stuck in the same old feelings of hurt & pain. 
Notice your train of thought, which may well take the form of one projection after projection, for e.g. "my partner doesn't love me / doesn't want me / doesn't find me attractive". "I'm not good enough / he's not good enough / are we even meant to be together?"

Once you are aware of these thoughts, you have caught yourself dipping into victim mode & your time spent in this place can be hugely reduced by bringing in an internal boundary for yourself. What I mean by this is: imagine that the part of you that thinks these thoughts & tends to believe them is a young child. Take this child by the hand firmly but lovingly & say "No". You can add "you're ok, we are okay, you are safe. I love you."
Give that part of you who is essentially operating on a false belief the reassurance it needs.
This takes practice but with mindfulness & determination you can start to see those thoughts as just thoughts, they are generally not true & so why waste your energy believing in them!?

2. Feel your feelings: learn to be with them, to really feel them in your body. This can be uncomfortable but it is the best way to help yourself become more accepting & compassionate towards yourself. It is an important step as it helps us to avoid us repressing & suppressing our emotions as well as beating ourselves up because we haven't got a handle on things.

When you can stay connected to your body & your feelings in the above ways you are actually giving yourself a gift. The gift comes in the following forms:
- No self-abandonment (projection onto your partner involves abandonment of self)
- By saying "No" to the internal, conditioned & self-defeating inner dynamic that is on repeat you give yourself the opportunity to choose a different perspective, a different feeling & therefore a different future outcome.

3. Ask yourself "how do I want to feel right now?"

When you ask yourself this question you immediately bring yourself into the present moment. Once you acknowledge how you would like to feel in this moment, imagining breathing in those feelings & allow yourself to embrace the peace, calmness or aliveness, whatever the feeling you have chosen. This is so important because many people block their good feelings & desire & get dragged down by their continued focus on their negative feelings & the stories that accompany them.

When you consistently practice the above strategies in effect you start to retrain your the body & your mind & once you get the hang of it you get much better at coming back to yourself rather than giving your power away to your 'story'. This is when you get to start creating & attracting more love, aliveness, passion, attention from your partner, all those things you want in your relationship.

4. Decide to seek help or to learn how to transform your issue - i.e. do something different to what you have been doing!

Lastly, remember that if you have been trying to change things but nothing seems to be working, the way you are trying change your issue is probably lacking a particular way of thinking & some concrete action steps. So make a decision to seek help or to learn a new way of tackling your issue. Maybe you need to express yourself more fully with your partner or to work on your ability to manage your feelings as in the examples I have described above.

If the above resonates & you want to transform your pain into your power you can sign up for a fully supported 90 minute 1 to 1 session with me (includes email support following our call). I also offer programmes for couples & for women if you would like more in depth support.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

About the Author

Michele Willmott, Relationship Coach and Mentor. I help successful men, women and couples renew and transform their relationship for the long-term.