Is too late to mend or heal your relationship?
If this is crossing your mind at the moment, I can give you two examples of when this might be the case.
- There is some form of relationship abuse going on. If you are experiencing any physical, emotional, verbal or sexual abuse, it would be the number one reason to get out of the relationship. This is not always easy and getting the right support can be extremely useful.
Some cases of abuse are very obvious, others not so. Narcissism can be very insidious and underhand. In these latter cases the person at the receiving end is often not aware they are being abused for long periods of time.
Having said this it has become all too easy these days to wave the 'narcissism flag'. We can all be narcissistic on some level without realising it. It can also be very unintentional behaviour. There are actually few true narcissists; so it usually pays to take a closer look.
If you are concerned about narcissism in your relationship, some important signs to look out for are:
*preoccupation with beauty, power or success with a need to be admired.
*a particular type of gaslighting that shows up in the form of 'no that didn't happen' or 'I didn't say or do that'. These types of comments create confusion and the questioning of your own reality.
*zero empathy and arrogance.
- There is a big clash of values between you and your partner.
If you and your partner fundamentally disagree on issues that are very important to you, this can make it very difficult to mend the relationship. This often happens when one person is not interested in getting help for themselves when it comes to addictions such as gambling or drug use. It may be a big difference in political and moral perspectives. Equally it could come down to one person wanting to move abroad and the other wanting to stay put.
Some of these situations can be sad and heartbreaking especially if a couple still have love for each other. However, if one person senses they have to honour what feels right for them, they may have to make a decision about moving on from the relationship.
If your partner is a decent person and you have a similar outlook on life, it is never too late to heal your relationship.
Where and how to start the healing process.
Firstly it is important to take a look at where your relationship is not moving forwards.
Good questions to ask yourself here are:
- Do you still have active triggers that are coming up in relation to the same old topics?
- Do you seem to get triggered easily by silly things your partner says or does and then things get blown out of proportion.
These are the kind of triggers that can happen regularly. On the other hand they may quieten down for a bit but then pop up again.
This is something that needs to be tackled. Unfortunately, many couples put up with these reactive situations. They put them down to 'it's normal for couples to argue' or 'all couples have their ups and downs'.
They have no or little idea that it is only normal as in it is common. It is also still dysfunctional because it is totally possible to move past your own triggers to the point you don't get caught up in a conflict.
What stops people taking a closer look at their own triggers?
The fear of rejection is a big reason for us all.
We don't want to experience the pain that comes with rejection, so it is easier to stay with what is familiar.
Our mind tends to conjure up all these stories about what might happen if we take a risk.
It therefore can do a great job of making you put up with recurring triggers in yourself. At least you know them!
The irony is that all those disaster scenes your mind thinks might happen, are highly likely not to happen at all.
In fact, when you work on dismantling the triggers things will usually just get easier and far better over time.
Your triggers are therefore an opportunity.
They are an opportunity to learn something about yourself.
To see where you are fooling yourself
They are not to be avoided as that just makes things worse over time.
Granted, some do take a bit longer than others to disappear, but you really do not have to keep experiencing the same frustration, hurt and pain.
This is tantamount to self torture.
As we don't like to think we are someone who would torture ourselves, it is far easier to pin the blame on our partner.
You are far more capable and powerful than that.
You, in your true and most healthy power, are a more loving, giving, fun, alive, open and real person.
It is far more likely that your partner will step in to meet you when you are like this, rather than when you are regularly showing them you are not safe or enjoyable company.
It is very unlikely they will reject you when you have done the work on yourself because you are generally easier to be with.
If they do choose not to want to be with you when you are being your real self, would you want to be with them?
I haven't met a single person yet who has said 'yes' to this question.
They realise that they want to do this for themselves regardless of the outcome.
When you put yourself first you cannot lose because you learn what it is like to have your own back.
Life from this place gets to feel far more fulfilling, joyful, loving and free.
And that for me is worth any commitment or initial discomfort.
If you would like to chat about getting support as a couple or as an individual and you would like to talk, you can book a complimentary call here.