Energy does not lie when it comes to love.

In various places around my website I talk about energy being king when it comes to our relationship.
I realise that this may sound intangible to many people; so let me explain.

Many people think they are doing everything they can to fix their relationship.
However, what they do not realise is many of their behaviours and ways of thinking are being subconsciously driven by their past hurts.

When you are taking action or behaving from your past wounding, 9 out of 10 times you will create more dysfunction.
You will attract dysfunctional, unhealthy behaviour from your partner.
You will end up feeling you are going round in circles not getting anywhere.

Behaviours that are rooted in dysfunction are unattractive on an energetic level.
They push your partner away rather than bringing them closer to you.

Even if your intentions are well meaning if the energy behind your behaviour is 'off' you are going to create more of what you don't want.

Ultimately this is self-sabotage.

The trouble is many of the behaviours that are self-sabotaging are very subtle and not easy to spot.
However, you only have to look and see where the triggers are happening to know that sabotage is running the show.

Unfortunately we have all been conditioned to self sabotage in some shape or form.
At some point we have all felt rejected and we felt deeply hurt.
We had to develop coping mechanisms to try and stop ourselves feeling this way again.
Repression and suppression became the norm.

Sadly we have not been taught how to use these feelings in a way that benefits us.
'Negative feelings' are always an opportunity for us to help ourselves feel happy and at peace with ourselves. 

However, parts of us will do anything to avoid reliving the rejection of the past, to the point we keep our partner at arm's length.
 
Unless we learn how to ensure these parts of us don't keep having the final say in how we show up, we are destined to keep living Groundhog day.

What happens when men and women avoid their true feelings in their relationship?

A man who is not able to integrate his feelings does not feel safe to a woman on an energetic level.
She will try to control him, fix him, train him.

A woman who tries to fix, train and control a man does not feel safe to the man on an energetic level.
Neither is she integrating her feelings in a truly healthy way.

This is one of the main cycles of dysfunction that shows up in many relationships.
The feeling of being unsafe energetically (it may not be a conscious thought) is what erodes the attraction between a couple. It also lends itself to recurring conflict, trust issues and a lack of respect.

Here are some of the main types of self-sabotage that show up in relationships.

You may recognise some of these in yourself and your relationship:

• Playing the victim - this shows up in the form of feeling sorry for yourself, being the martyr or even the persecutor. You may always be seeking justice and end up being defensive, critical and passive aggressive. You may also feel like you are being a burden.
• Overly worrying about what others / your partner thinks - to the point that you neglect your own needs. You may tend to smother your partner energetically or be needy. You may also be fixated on not being good enough in some shape or form. This form of sabotage is also rife with addictive tendencies. 
• Overthinking and always trying to find the solution to the problem - the trouble is here, your thinking never actually helps to improve the relationship. Here there is a tendency to always want to be right or only see things in a black and white way. Generally, you are missing the point regarding what it takes to create connection. You are having the wrong type of conversations.
• Avoidance, entitlement and waiting for your partner to change - this type of sabotage tends to lack true commitment because it is stuck in the fantasy of what love should look like. There will be a lot of comparison and holding your partner responsible for how you feel as well as feeling entitled to perfection even though you are not taking full responsibility for your emotional well-being. In its extreme form this can manifest in the form of narcissism and the denial of your partner's reality (and your own feelings). 

How to move past self-sabotage and fix your relationship

1. Learn the nuances of sabotage
   This will help you counteract the destructive nature of such behaviours. This needs to be done on a cognitive (mind) level and a somatic (body) level. When you know you are speaking in a way that is going to lead to an outcome you don't want you can then stop yourself or have a conversation to 'out' the behaviour.
   When you and your partner can both do this you are putting your relationship in a very strong position. This is why I highly recommend couples coaching over working on an individual level.
    
2. Cultivate a deeper, more connected relationship with yourself 
   When you are connected to your true self and not letting the sabotaging parts lead, you are much more 'attractive' to your partner. Working on your own happiness is vastly underrated. It does take some commitment to unpick the thoughts that tend to erode our happiness. If we can work WITH our feelings and acknowledge them, even the ones we think are 'wrong', they will act as a portal into a whole new way of being.
   
   
3. Learn how to interact and communicate with your partner with more responsibility
   Conflict is not a problem in and of itself if you are making an attempt to repair the situation. Many couples argue and then just leave things to subside. This is dangerous territory as it encourages avoidance and will slowly diminish the connection between you. 
   
   
4. Accept that what you are doing now is not working otherwise it would have worked by now. Commit to finding the new information that you are missing. Commit to becoming a new version of yourself. Decide that you are going to improve things. It is okay to feel the fear of the unknown but your feelings do not have to have power over you. Neither do they have to mean what your mind is saying they mean.

If you would like to get expert support for your relationship please feel free to book a complimentary 30 minute call with me here: