Why managing your feelings is destroying your relationship. | Michele Willmott

Why managing your feelings is destroying your relationship.

Why your ability to manage your feelings might be slowly destroying your relationship!

The management of feelings is one of the biggest but most subtle problems I witness in the relationships I work with. 

It is a sure fire way to killing the connection and intimacy between yourself and your partner.

In many cases it leads to avoidance and avoidance in all its guises ruins relationships.

So, what does the management of feelings look like?

- It can look like calming yourself down when you feel triggered.
- Justifying to yourself as to why it's not worth having a conversation.
- Saying how you feel but diluting the message because you have convinced yourself 'it's not a big deal'.

I am not saying it is all bad. 

Being able to create peace and calm in your mind can be useful.
It might help you focus and become more efficient at work.
It might even seem to keep things at home on a more even keel.

However, it depends on the situation.

The question to ask yourself is:
Is my ability to manage my feelings creating growth and consistent connection in my relationship?

If your answer is no, then it is time to get curious. 

If you end up thinking thoughts like the ones below these can be signs of self sabotage:
- 'I wish my partner would get help'
- 'I am doing all that I can, now it's up to them'
- 'Maybe we are not compatible anymore'

- 'Worse things are happening in the world'.

I have lost count of the number of men and women I have coached who have been doing a great job at managing their feelings without this having a positive effect on their relationship. 

I also work with people that come to me after years of therapy and their relationship is still no better off. 

In fact the relationship has gotten worse.
It then becomes all too easy to blame your partner.
It seems like there can be no other explanation.

The Truth of the Matter

There will truth in the fact that your partner still has issues they need to take a closer look at.  

However, a crucial point is being missed here.

The point is, you have far more power to change the dynamic of your relationship than you realise

This does not mean every relationship can be saved. 
It does give much hope because it means that many relationships can be turned around.
It is all too easy to jump ship too soon when the relationship could have been transformed.

If the management of feelings does not serve to create transformation, then what does?


A process whereby you use the raw material to create gold or transformation.
The raw material being the feelings.

If you are managing the raw material to keep you calm this is what happens:

You are not working with it to create an energetic shift in yourself.
This means you are not able to create a deeper connection and intimacy with yourself. (don't let your mind con you into thinking you are doing this. If your relationship isn't where you want it to be, the hard truth is, you are not).

If you are not creating a shift the precise, 'right' and new action to be taken will not reveal itself.
If the right action is not being taken, this leaves room for old sabotaging behaviours to come back in.
Hence why couples get stuck in perpetual, recurring arguments or avoidance. 

Consistent transformation in self is the most powerful way to create consistent connection and intimacy with your partner

This is exactly why I use a process of Alchemy with my clients.
This process gets to work at breaking down your triggers (the ones you try to manage).
It is the most effective way of helping you to become more 'attractive' to your partner on an energetic level.
And if you have read any of my previous posts you will have heard me say 'energy is king when it comes to love'.

Your energy and related actions will be the making or breaking of your relationship.

It is much too easy to fall into self management.

We must look beyond what is obvious.

We must create self leadership and self transformation.
This is where the treasure is.

Please do get in touch if you would like to talk to me about getting support for you and your partner.
You can book a complimentary call here.

About the Author

Michele Willmott, Relationship Coach and Mentor. I help successful men, women and couples renew and transform their relationship for the long-term.