Attachment Styles in Relationships: Stop the Sabotage.

Understanding Attachment Styles in Romantic Relationships: Moving Beyond Self-Sabotage

Attachment styles play a crucial role in shaping our romantic relationships. They influence how we connect, communicate, and respond to our partners. Understanding your attachment style can help you foster a healthier and more fulfilling relationship.

However, it's not just about knowing your attachment style; it's about recognizing how it leads to self-sabotage in your relationship.

What are Attachment Styles?

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, describes how early interactions with caregivers shape our patterns of attachment. These patterns, or attachment styles, carry into adulthood and affect our romantic relationships. The four primary attachment styles are:

1. Secure Attachment: Individuals with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and are generally more satisfied in their relationship. They can depend on their partner and are comfortable being depended upon.

2. Anxious Attachment: Anxiously attached individuals often worry about their partner's availability and responsiveness. They crave closeness and may become overly dependent on their partner, fearing abandonment and rejection.

3. Avoidant Attachment: Avoidant individuals tend to maintain distance in relationships. They value independence and self-sufficiency, often struggling with intimacy and closeness. They can feel smothered by an anxiously attached partner who can often feel that they are unavailable.

4. Disorganized Attachment: Those with a disorganized attachment style display a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors. They often struggle with both intimacy and independence. This can lead to confusing and unpredictable behavior in a relationship.

How Attachment Styles Influence Self-Sabotage and Shadow Energy

Our attachment styles significantly impact the degree to which we sabotage our relationships. In my work I use the term Shadow Energy to describe the parts of us that have been conditioned to self sabotage. When we tend towards one of the less healthy attachment styles (2-4 above) then we will naturally have more shadow behaviour leading us.
 
When we behave and act from shadow energy this generally creates more conflict, avoidance, and unhappiness. You will have plenty of evidence that shadow creates more of what you don't want already. Just look back to any past arguments or think of those topics that are not safe to talk about in your relationship. I imagine you will have a feeling that something is unresolved. You will likely have certain thoughts that go with these feelings. These thoughts may range from: how your partner is not helping the situation or that you are not good enough in some way. Then you might find yourself questioning your relationship?
All the while this is happening your energy is more disconnected from your partner. You are in essence, creating more of what you don't want (your partner is playing a role too). This is a growth opportunity for you both.

Here are examples of how each of the attachment styles end up creating more shadow or self sabotage: 

- Anxious Attachment and Shadow Energy: Anxiously attached individuals, can become overly clingy and demanding. Their fear of abandonment can lead them to seek constant reassurance, which can drive their partner away. This creates a cycle of self-sabotage, where their actions, driven by fear, bring about the very rejection they dread.

How to solve this: One of the most important ways to address this is to work on how you relate to your anxiety. There is always a gift in our feelings. Breathe into your anxiety, allow yourself to fully feel it. This may not be comfortable but we can work with the anxiety in such a way that creates connection in ourselves first and foremost. This will then help us create a greater conenction with our partner without having to be clingy or needy.

- Avoidant Attachment and Shadow Energy: Avoidantly attached individuals, may withdraw or push their partner away to protect themselves from perceived vulnerability. This avoidance can lead to emotional distance and conflict, making it difficult to form a deep, meaningful connection.

How to solve this: Underlying avoidance is always a fear of rejection. The important thing to address here is to take a closer look at your fears and use it to help you feel safer and more available. Ask yourself 'if there was a fear underlying my behaviour here, what would it be?' Even if this fear seems irrational that's okay. It is likely that you had to use this fear to protect yourself when you were younger. It would have been safer for you to avoid and keep your distance with people who felt emotionally unsafe. What if you could have compassion for yourself and create your own sense of inner safety? This will help you can start to feel more able to move towards your partner or to 'stay' rather than shutting down and fleeing. 

- Disorganized Attachment and Shadow Energy: Those with a disorganized attachment style may oscillate between anxious and avoidant behaviors. Their unpredictable actions, driven by unresolved trauma or fear, can create instability and turmoil in their relationship.

How to solve this: How you relate to your mind and all its many thoughts about yourself and your partner is crucial. When you believe all those thoughts you can make things very chaotic on an emotional level. Try practicing just watching those thoughts without 'buying-in' to them. This may bring up some anxiety but what if your anxiety was a wonderful opportunity to create a deeper connection with yourself? This approach will help you develop a more loving and compassionate relationship and your partner. Anxiety doesn't have to be a huge problem unless we make it one.

At the end of the day, each of the dysfunctional attachment styles are rooted in fear. When you learn to master your energy and move from shadow into your true power consistently this is when everything changes.

True Power versus Shadow Energy in Your Relationship

The distinction between operating from our true power and from our shadow is nuanced and subtle. When we are in our true power, we are aligned with our real, authentic self, acting from a place of inner strength, confidence, and clarity. In contrast, when we are operating from our shadow, our actions are driven by fear, insecurity, and unresolved emotional wounds.

- True Power: In your true power, you are aware of your needs. You can communicate openly and honestly, without fear of rejection. Your energy is clear and magnetic, drawing your partner closer in a healthy and balanced way.

- Shadow Energy: When operating from shadow, your actions are reactive and fear-driven. You may think you are protecting yourself or maintaining control, but in reality, you are sabotaging your relationship. This shadow energy leads to more conflict, avoidance, and unhappiness, perpetuating a cycle of negative behavior.

The Path to Transformation

Moving past these patterns takes time and commitment, but the rewards are profound. Here are some steps to help you start shifting shift from being in shadow to true power:

1. Self-Awareness: Recognize and understand your attachment style and how it influences your behavior in relationships. Reflect on past relationships and identify patterns of self-sabotage.

2. Inner Work: Engage in self-reflection. Invest in relationship coaching to address unresolved emotional wounds and fears. Deeper inner work will help pave the way to clear shadow energy and align with your true power.

3. Communication: Practice open and honest communication with your partner. Share your fears and insecurities without blaming or projecting. This builds trust and deepens connection.

4. Boundaries: Work on establishing healthier boundaries within yourself. Practice holding the tension you feel rather defaulting into extreme behaviors driven by fear or insecurity.

5. Patience and Persistence: Understand that transformation is a gradual process. Be patient with yourself and your partner, and remain committed to growth and healing.

To conclude:

Understanding your attachment style is a good first step towards creating a healthier relationship. However, the real transformation happens when you move past shadow energy and self-sabotage, aligning with your true power. This journey requires time, commitment, and a willingness to confront and heal your deepest fears. But once you do, the changes in your relationship can be profound, leading to greater intimacy, connection, and happiness. 

I take my clients through a transformational journey that helps them break down the shadow that has become ingrained over the years. I use my own totally unique method that helps my clients create results that go far beyond just their romantic relationship. If you would like to discuss how you can work with me on a 1 to 1 level, please book your 30 minute complimentary call here.