Do you have relationship shame? | Michele Willmott

Do you have relationship shame?

Relationship shame is real and common.

It's generally that icky, heavy feeling that comes up when you think about the lack of fulfilment in your love life.

My clients are successful career or business people but their relationship is lagging behind.
This can bring up a lot of shame based feelings for them such as:

- Why can't I get this right?
- If people knew what was really going on.
- There must be something wrong with me.
- Maybe I am meant to be someone who isn't in a relationship.
- If only I could get to the bottom of this everything would be different.

And what do these often tend to lead to?

'My partner is the one who needs to change'.

Yes of course because it takes two to tango, but this means there's no getting away from the fact that you do too.

The most empowering learning for me on my relationship journey has been knowing that....

We (as in 'I') always have the power to change our relationship dynamic in any given moment.
The trouble is, no-one has actually taught us what it looks like or means to be in our power when it comes to love.

Let's face it, many of us haven't had great role models of true healthy relating. 
'My parents get on well...they bicker but they are lifelong friends' not healthy relating.
Bickering by the way, is low grade warfare and signals a misunderstanding of one's capacity to create connection and intimacy without the drama and tension. 

If you want to create the love you really want, it is crucial to take a look at the harmful impact of shame based thoughts and feelings.
They are often subtle and going on under the surface, so you may not realise the extent to which shame is present.

However, we are all conditioned to feel shame about ourselves.
We are conditioned to compare ourselves with others and against idealistic perceptions of what love should entail.
We have all had past experiences where we have been shamed for who we are being, what we look like, actions we have taken. We also know we have made mistakes and can be our own harshest critic.
It all cuts deep and creates wounds that are then re-triggered, over and over.

There is nothing like a love relationship for showing us the extent of our wounding and thus the extent of the shame.

The real problem is that unless we take a closer look, that shame gets to keep running the show.
This actually becomes an addiction, albeit subtle.

It is an addiction to 'I'm not worthy of having what I want in my relationship'.
There is also an addiction to the feeling of shame itself in many ways.
When we buy into the thoughts behind the feelings and let the feelings feed the thoughts, we are addicted to our own trauma or shame loop. It gives us a good opportunity to stay in our 'comfort' zone so that we don't have to risk rejection.
Essentially it indicates an unwillingness to claim ones true power to create and be the change.

The exact reason why many addicts don't recover.

How do we need to relate to the shame?

It is not a case of trying to get rid of the shame, it's a case of knowing what to do with it any time it pops up.

When you know how to work with it you whittle away at the power it has over you.

Then what starts to happen is that the shame becomes significantly reduced and even if it does come up, it does not touch you.

This makes you much more solid.
It cleans up your energy and that makes you far more 'attractive' and able to create connection with your partner.

Most people are putting plasters on their shame and are not prepared to open the 'can of worms' out of fear of discomfort.

The truth is your greatest love is in that can and it is waiting for you to claim it.
No-one else is going to create this for you other than you!

I offer my clients a radical transformation in their relationship situation.
What does this mean?

It means that I help them change their framework of relating within themselves and their relationship.
This involves:
i) deep somatic work, which will get you into your body and able to alchemise or transmute the shame. This is a game changer for cleaning up your energy.
ii) a novel approach to the very cunning mind (using my own Profound Permission Method™) that keeps us trapped in Groundhog day in our relationship.
iii) Archetypal Power Work to help you activate and embody your empowered selves that know how to create transformation.

Once the framework or paradigm has been changed then it is only a matter of time. You keep coming back to the framework and you keep showing up with integrity for yourself first (you have standards for who you are being regardless of what the other person is doing).

Time after time you uncover new learnings.
The new learnings create growth.
The growth reduces the power that your feelings and emotions are being given.
You clean up your energy and create the energy of freedom in your relationship.

You are much nicer to be with.
Your partner gets inspired.
They start changing before your eyes and off their own back without you having to go into victim, bully, judgement, entitlement, and martyrdom.

at the end of the day you always get more of who you are being.

If shame is running the show from behind the scenes then the real you won't get a look in.
Literally nothing will change.
In archetypal terms, this is the Prostitute shadow.

The Prostitute is willing to sell her/his soul to the objectification and conditioned beliefs society holds about her/him rather than carving out a life centered around one's own value system.

The counter opposite of the Prostitute is the Lover in you, who is willing to decide that you are going to be the change and you are worth it.

This is when everything changes.

A few years on following the paradigm change, you then look back and think to yourself 'I had no idea what being in my power looked like. Thankfully I do now and that was the best investment decision I ever made' (these of course are my thoughts. I will do my best job to help you get to the point where you are thinking along the very same lines).

If you would like to jump in to this life changing work please get in touch via any of my coaching pages. 

About the Author

Michele Willmott, Relationship Coach and Mentor. I help successful men, women and couples renew and transform their relationship for the long-term.