Are you sabotaging your relationship? | Michele Willmott

Are you sabotaging your relationship?

Are you sabotaging your relationship?

What is Relationship sabotage?

Relationship sabotage is essentially any behaviour that threatens the harmony of a relationship and keeps you in a state of dissatisfaction. Sabotage can happen in all sorts of ways, some of which you can read below.  Whilst no relationship is perfect, if you find yourself feeling unhappy more often than not, you may be putting needless pressure on what is otherwise a healthy partnership.

How do you know if you are sabotaging your relationship?

  • Blaming, criticising, picking fights with your partner
  • Thinking you would be better off with someone else
  • Feeling unheard & unseen or invisible in your relationship
  • Moaning about your partner behind their back
  • Continuously thinking ‘if only he/she would change then things would be better’
  • Trying to be perfect without showing your true self
  • Having unhealthy boundaries in your relationship
  • Getting stuck in work-aholism & not taking time for your relationship or yourself
  • Allowing stress to run your life
  • Getting stuck in the same old conflicts & not being prepared to learn how to move past them
  • Getting stuck in the same old feelings of hurt, pain & resentment
  • Feelings of anxiety about the relationship

All the above examples are evidence that you have disconnected from your true power. Your power to create what you want in love & to make magic happen in any one moment.

Anyone who thinks that change is not possible has made the decision to believe the stories that they have attached to their emotions. For example, ‘my partner doesn’t want to spend any quality time with me so that must mean I am not good enough or unattractive’.

The moment you believe the story in your mind is the moment you give your power away to your feelings (& to your partner), when the truth is that you have the power to choose how you feel in any one moment. You also have the capability to take the kind of action that can change your relationship dynamic quickly & effectively.

Of course, it does not always feel easy to suddenly start feeling good in ourselves when our attention is on the pain & frustration, which is gripping us. This is not about putting on a brave face or being fake, but it is about knowing how to work WITH your emotions & the thoughts that trigger them in a transformational way rather than allowing them to run the show.

Are you being lazy in love?

The hard truth is that people are being lazy when they blame their partner for their unhappiness. They are also acting like a child, who is waiting for permission to live their dream. Most relationships are made up of 2 children, not taking anywhere enough responsibility for their own capacity to feel & receive love. It is hardly surprising why divorce rates are so high across the globe.

The problem with our ‘negative’ emotions is that they are addictive. To a large extent our unconscious is so familiar with this experience that it is not interested in changing. Playing out these feelings & the ‘games’ that come with them in our relationship is like heroin to a junkie, so in effect our unconscious self gets a 'hit' out of acting in a certain way & feeling particular emotions. Rather than suppressing these emotions or trying to 'get rid' of them it is therefore important to work 'with' the inner resistance & learn how to change our relationship with these repressed parts that tend to be quite manipulative in their nature, albeit unintentionally. 

Unfortunately, many people jump ship from their relationship prematurely, unwilling to do the work required to have an impeccable relationship with themselves. Some couples are better off parting ways, especially if the relationship is abusive, but many people just go on to repeat the same old patterns of behaviour with their next partner. This is why I recommend making the commitment to look at yourself & how you show up in your relationship, not only to give the relationship a chance but also in order that you become more consciously aware of the patterns of behaviour that do not serve you.

For those people who decide to stick it out for ‘better or for worse’ they end up being racked with anxiety, disappointment, frustration & resentment never realising that they could have done so much to change their state of being & thus the quality of their romantic life. This is what I call ‘settling’ in love.

How your relationship can change for the better when you take back your power!

It is amazing the extent to which you can change your relationship for the better when you take back your power & take full responsibility for your emotional well-being. Here are some ways in which you will experience change:

  • Perpetual conflicts & tension disappear or come around only once in a while
  • You will both enjoy more freedom to fully be yourselves
  • You will feel more supported on your chosen career/life path
  • You can enjoy greater levels of intimacy in your sex life
  • You feel more connected to your partner
  • You feel more open & loving towards yourself & your partner
  • You feel happier & more secure in yourself

How do I take back my power?

Become acutely aware of your thoughts

You start to become acutely aware of your thoughts & the feelings that they trigger. There will always be a vicious cycle going on here – thoughts feeding feelings and feelings feeding thoughts.

This pattern needs to be broken by you starting to see that these thoughts are not true, even though they may seem it (if you believe the story that you have added to them). There could be a thousand and one other possible scenarios so why believe just one?

Retrain Your Body to feel a different way

Because you have been feeding yourself with these thoughts for so long now your body has been trained to respond in a certain way. It takes some effort to retrain it to respond differently but this is where you open yourself up to feeling more love inside of you than you ever thought possible. I highly recommend the work & meditations of Dr Joe Dispenza to help you start changing your relationship with your body & its responses.

Take full responsibility for your feelings when you communicate with your partner

It is easy to fall into the trap of holding our partner’s responsible when it comes to the way we feel, especially if we can ‘see’ evidence to back this up. But as I always say to my clients, ‘your partner isn’t holding a gun against your head telling you that you must respond in that way’. It is important therefore to express yourself in an honest & truthful manner but one that indicates the fact that you know you are responsible for how you feel. This is the different between being using vulnerability as a strength as opposed to coming from the energy of a victim, powerless to change anything. When people can be truly vulnerable this can open up a relationship allowing both partners more room to be more fully themselves.

Get the support of a professional who will call you on your patterns

Many couples and relationship therapists encourage open communication but do not call people on their avoidance of responsibility. Marriage therapy therefore often has a bad name & ends up being confirmation of why a couple should no longer be together. This is a shame because once couples can see where & how they are not taking the kind of responsibility I am talking about; they can make a radical change in how they relate to one another.

If you would like to transform your romantic life like never before a good starting point would be to read my free E-Book, which will help you see in more detail how & where you are giving your power away. This is written from the perspective of different archetypes & is a fascinating way to relate to different parts of yourself that are showing up in your love life.

The next step would be to work with me as an individual or with your partner. I request that all prospective clients complete this form before we talk in order to make sure we are a good fit.

About the Author

Michele Willmott, Relationship Coach and Mentor. I help successful men, women and couples renew and transform their relationship for the long-term.