The Hidden Sabotage in many Relationships

We have all been there - caught in the trap of thinking, "If only my partner would change, everything would be better." It is a common sentiment in relationships, but it's also a subtle form of self-sabotage that can hold you back from true growth and happiness.

The Illusion of External Solutions

When we fixate on our partner's need to change, we are essentially saying to ourselves, "if they changed, then everything would be better, and I would be happy." While there might be some truth to this - your partner may indeed have areas where they could improve - this mindset is limited and discounts your own innate power to create transformation in your relationship.

Avoiding Personal Responsibility

By focusing solely on your partner's shortcomings, you are subconsciously telling yourself, "I don't need to do the work." It's a way of avoiding personal responsibility and the sometimes uncomfortable process of self-reflection and growth. The truth is, we all need to take a closer look. We have not been taught what it really takes to create a healthy relationship. Societal messages about relationships are steeped in dysfunction and so it is no wonder so many couples are struggling.

The Internal Power Struggle

At its core, this mindset represents an internal power issue. When we are waiting for our partner to change, we are not trusting in our own power to create transformation. We are effectively waiting for someone else to give us permission to step into our power and create the relationship we desire. 

Energetically this is a form of entitlement, albeit unintentional. It is like saying 'I deserve my ideal relationship and to be treated better.' Again, there is truth in this, especially if you feel you are not being treated with respect or kindness.
However, we must remember that whilst we do not deserve to be treated badly, we are doing something to keep the dysfunction alive. This warrants some curiosity and willingness to look deeper. If it were a case that only your partner needed to change, that would mean you are essentially a victim. You would have no choice but to either put up with your situation or leave. This does not leave room for any growth or rebuilding in between.

Too many people jump ship from relationships without making the effort to see if they can turn things around. This means that what could be a healthy relationship, isn't even given a chance. This is a tragedy on many levels, especially when there is children concerned. 

Reclaiming Your Power

The real truth is, we are the ones who need to give ourselves permission to create the relationship we desire. No amount of change in our partner can substitute for the internal work we need to do ourselves.

This is where your freedom, liberation and happiness is to be found.

The Path Forward

Instead of fixating on how your partner needs to change, try asking yourself:

1. In what ways am I behaving that I do not like?
2. Where can I take more responsibility for the part I play in any conflict?
3. Where am I holding my partner responsible for my feelings?
4. Where am I showing up as a victim or even a bully?
5. If I were to commit to taking responsibility for my power to create change, what would be my first step?

True relationship growth happens when both partners focus on their own personal development. By reclaiming your power and focusing on your own growth, you not only improve yourself but also create a positive ripple effect in your relationship.

It may not seem like your partner is interested in working on themselves, but it is surprising what can happen when you take the focus off them. I have lost count of the number of times my husband has stepped up when I have stopped focusing on what I see as perceived faults.

Change may not happen exactly when you want it or how you want it. However, when you focus on your own behaviour, this has the effect of creating a sense of energetic freedom in your relationship. As a result your partner is more inclined to take more responsibility and make changes that they had previously resisted. They do this because they no longer feel your control issues breathing down their neck and feel safer to take a risk for themselves.

Your happiness and fulfillment are ultimately in your hands. Don't wait for permission or for your partner to change.

Decide on who you want to be and start showing up as that person. If you want healthier conversations, rather than blaming your partner start speaking about what you see as your own short-comings. You don't need to go into self blame but just by being transparent this demonstrates to your partner that you are willing to accept responsibility for your roles in any conflict. It is not an excuse for them to jump on the bandwagon and say 'yes, you did do that or are xyz'. However, it is an invitation for them to start being curious about their own behaviour. 

As Mahatma Gandhi said "Be the change you wish to see in the world".

You have more power than you realise. It really is just a case of not letting the parts of you that are fearful of what might happen rule the day.

If you would like to speak with me and take your first step towards creating the relationship you totally have the capacity to create, you can book a free 30 minute call here.