How many posts do you see that seem to lure you into the feeling or believing that your partner should be adoring, passionate, romantic, loving & supportive 24/7?
The sort of messages that first get you excited but then get you overthinking because you feel that you should be this strong, sexy, gentle, kind, passionate queen-like goddess who has to emit the right sort of energy to transform her man into a king in an instant! Or if you are a guy, you need to be that king who is passionate, strong, emotionally intelligent & who can read her mind & know what she needs in every moment!
Not to mention all your over-analysing of his & your every move so much so that he can never come up to scratch & where you then realise that you are frankly not enough either!
Exhausting & somewhat depressing eh!?
Overanalysing & overthinking in this way is sabotage to a relationship!
Because it stops you from being real; it stops you from embracing your true vulnerability; it stops you from actually enjoying being present with each other & creating a more genuine, authentic connection; and it stops you from giving space to your relationship that allows it to be nourished & nurtured.
Overthinking is an addiction that we all have as human beings, probably born out of the feeling of wanting to control everything.
My clients all have this issue!
I see it in my clients who come to me with a whole host of stories about their relationship & their partner. Once they start relaying those stories they can soon get carried away with trying to find THE answer to their problem.
When I am working with them if we are not careful we can get caught up in trying to ‘fix’ & work out the answer as to why they are in the situation they are in. Not that this isn’t useful at times as we can all benefit from seeing how our behaviour is and has contributed to our relationship issues.
However, becoming aware of when we start going round & round in circles in our thinking & not getting anywhere is crucial. There could be 101 solutions or ways of looking at your ‘problem’ and realising that you are starting to get caught up in your head gives you the opportunity to come into the present moment.
Here you can take a step back & realise that your efforts to control, change & shape your relationship are usually tinged with tension, struggle & often disappointment; feelings that need to be dealt with and felt!
Despite being a challenge the present moment can open up your relationship beautifully!
Coming into a space where you realise you don’t necessarily have all the answers or that you can ‘fix’ everything can be scary because of course it means that you need to surrender & let go of trying to control.
On the other hand if we can relax into this space & learn to trust ourselves & life we can start asking ourselves important questions such as ‘Who do I want to be in my relationship?” “What do I really want?” “What do I want to say that I’m holding back on?’
The space I call ‘non-thinking’ can also give you a wonderful feeling of expansion, possibility & hope, which when visited frequently enough can lead to greater trust & faith that you are the creator of your life & things can improve when you allow yourself to relax a bit more.
It is here that you give yourself the chance to show up in a more relaxed, assertive, confident & loving way that gives space to you, your partner & to your relationship.
This space is so valuable because it allows us time to stop. To stop & listen. To stop & breathe. To stop & think about what we really want & really want to say. To stop & think how could I be more honest right now or how I could I be more trusting that my partner has a greater capacity to step up than I am giving him credit for!
The first step!
Is of course to become more aware of the fact that you have a tendency to fall into the trap of overthinking & notice what impact it has on your feelings & behaviours. Does it give you a sinking feeling for example? Or does it cause you to start blaming & pointing the finger at your partner?
When you catch yourself, this is your opportunity to stop & get quiet. To say ‘No’ to the inner dialogue that never wants to give up & thus to develop a strong internal boundary for yourself. In this moment you will usually find some respite, some relief & here again you get to practice getting used to being in the not knowing. Not knowing the answer right now & not knowing what to do next, but starting to trust that everything is ok & that you can create more of what you want simply by learning to be & let go & feel the desire of what you want.
Photo by Glaysianne Aquino on Unsplash
Transform Your Relationship Communication
Sooner rather than later in the following ways!
My online course ‘Real Relationship Communication’ is now available. You can go through the course at your own pace & will be able to
learn from the videos showing my husband, Matt & I demonstrating
a healthy form of dialogue for couples.
This course gives you lifetime access & lots of tips about how to communicate with your partner to bring you closer
& help you navigate periods of conflict.
If you prefer to work on a 1 to 1 basis whether that is on your own or with your partner, please book in your 30 minute free consultation call to find out more about how we can work together.