Concerned about repeating old patterns in your new relationship?

If you are in the early days of a new relationship or just venturing out of the blissful days of the honeymoon period you may have noticed anxieties creeping in around repeating old patterns of not being yourself fully or not saying how you feel? Worse still you may be fearful of experiencing the same sort of conflict you may have experienced with your ex-partner or the feelings of loneliness & disconnection?

It's difficult when you first start a new relationship. 

I mean when do you start openly expressing yourself, saying how you feel and sharing your innermost secrets? 

You don't want to come on too heavy do you, to scare them away!

But, if you think about how you should be coming in too much detail you start over-analysing everything you are doing or not doing, saying or not saying, wearing or not wearing, 

Be Yourself!

I don’t know about you, but that feels exhausting to me and definitely not conducive to being yourself!

Because isn’t that who you want to be, yourself? 

Someone who feels free to be themselves, to make mistakes, to be emotional if necessary, to be loving, kind, funny, silly.
To be that unique human being?  

Do you want to try to be ‘perfect’ all the time & hold back on how you really feeling out of fear of being too much or too little? Do you want to have to second- guess your partner & then end up secretly blaming them, wishing they were more devoted to you, more loving!?

This in my experience can cause a lot of damage to a relationship because we are essentially talking about game playing & if we are not careful this can become manipulating, even if unintentional.

What to look out for!

Start to notice if you are over analyzing & overthinking your behaviour, what you should or should not say. This is a red flag sign for you & would be for me if you were my client.

Being yourself fully & expressing yourself assertively, with confidence & clarity, does not involve being too much or too heavy. In fact it can go as far as helping you draw your partner closer to you.

It can actually be done very matter of factly, we don't have to make it a big deal (even though our mind is saying keep quiet, don't be too much or don’t upset them).

And if your partner thinks it is too much, what does that tell you!!? 

But really, that shouldn't be a concern for you if you are both wanting to be together & especially if you are communicating in the way I describe above.

A great conversation to have to start with

Now I’m not suggesting this for a first date, but I do recommend having an open conversation about what you want from the relationship at some point, who you want to be & what aspirations do you have for the relationship. for example, what are your values & which of these are the most important? Honesty, openness, authenticity, support, fun, adventure, connection, intimacy, growth?

What If you feel uncomfortable or anxious about something?

If you are feeling uncomfortable about anything, it must be spoken. This is crucial because you are setting the foundations of strong & healthy communication right from the get go.

If you are feeling anxious about something in the relationship that is normal & understandable early on when you are getting to know where you stand. Take ownership of this & don’t make it a big issue, but know that a healthy relationship with healthy communication allows for the acknowledgement of feelings as well as vulnerability with regards to their expression.

You are always entitled to feel how you feel, no-one has the right to dismiss you on this basis and this is where you get to put in strong boundaries for yourself because many people try to ‘fix’ or solve it when you are expressing how you feel & this is not helpful nor necessary because it is more than ok just to state how you feel without anyone having to make a big song & dance about it.

What I have learnt about feelings in my relationship is that when you can get to a place where all emotions are okay then you really do have the freedom to be yourself fully!

When the romance starts to wear off…..

It’s important to be kind to yourself early on, once the giddiness of the romance is starting to wear off a little it’s natural that doubts & anxieties start to creep in. You don’t have to tell your partner every single thing that pops up but if a feeling is strong enough, take a deep breath & speak it. Take a risk & show up fully, because holding back despite the tension only serves to sweep it under the carpet in what may seem like a neat little pile for now, but one that will only grow to be that big elephant in the room one day if left untended. 

If you would like more support in knowing how to speak up, exactly what to say to your partner, my 1 to 1 relationship mentoring & coaching programmes will provide you with the in-depth support that will help you create a beautiful, honest, open & connected relationship. If you would like to chat you can book in here.

Photo by Vitor Pinto on Unsplash